He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
