Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
