I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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