and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
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Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
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You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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