This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
