worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
