Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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