the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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