pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
