I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
