I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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