ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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