Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
