I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
