I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
this is an emotional support booty call
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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