God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
