So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
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