I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
