i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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