I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Dick very happy bro
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
