I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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