never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
