sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
