i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
