I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
