just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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