You really coming over, don't trick.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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