Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
