Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Randomize
