"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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