Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
