he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
You ruined the universe
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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