Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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