I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
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He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
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Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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