Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
