he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Lo siento on account of my penis...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
