Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
