I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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