just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
time to smoke my breakfast
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You're like the curious george of whores
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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