I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Ladies don't puke and tell
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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