Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
