My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
