I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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