Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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