don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
im holly from the hills drunk
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
