Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
