i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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