I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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