buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
