ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You're like the curious george of whores
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
