can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
