He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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