I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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