the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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