Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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