I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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