bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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