do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
