Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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