she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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