I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
